Emotional Disaster

I'm a wreck. It's probably because I'm 12 weeks pregnant but it's weird for me. I'm typically a pretty stable person emotionally. I've been sick for 6 weeks now, and it's getting old. I've gained 10 lbs which is more than both of the kids at this point, and that's a little scary considering I topped the scales at 200 with Joey. I'm the most sick I've ever been with the pregnancy. I get dizzy easily, sweat easily and I gag at the thought of anything I've consumed in the last week. I've never had to take off work for a pregnancy but I'm so dizzy in the morning I can barely move. I have so many praying for me, so I have hopes this will pass.

So about my emotions.... for example, look at this little dare devil. He's nuts. I can't decide to cry because he's unbelievably independent or he's going to kill himself from jumping off the highest point at the park. Maybe I should cry because he's such a perfect little boy. He's tough as nails but he's the biggest lover. His smile is crazy contagious. Oh, I know why I should cry. I don't get to spend enough time with him because Little Joey doesn't leave my side so Ray Ray is attached to Big Joey. I'm lucky, that's why I will cry. Two beautiful boys that are so different. Curly hair, stick straight hair. Brown eyes, blue eyes. 100% in everthing, 50% in everything. Dependent, independent. Introvert, extravert. I just ordered the book Nurture by Nature. I'll probably cry when I read that.

Most parents cry because fall rolls around and their kids go to school. Most parents cry because their kids are so happy and they are growing up. I cry because Joey doesn't like school and doesn't like leaving home. I cry because I'm worried about his social skills. I prayed so hard for Joey to get through the first half day of preschool. He did. God is good, so that's why I cried.

My best friend, Alli West, came all the way from LA for a wedding and she was able to stay with us. We go back 25 years ago, whoooooa. I think we used to say "Same father, different mother"
growing up. That is how much we are alike. The boys fell in love with her, and they are still searching the house for her. She was the perfect person to come stay with me when I was sick. I didn't have to talk, she knew. I didn't have to do anything, she did it for me. I didn't have to explain myself, she already knew and has never been pregnant. We are lucky to see each other once a year, and she is my sister forever. I'm crying while I'm writing this. God put her in my life 25 years ago. God knew.

Ray Ray will soon be a middle child. I worry about this. I worry about him getting lost in the mix. I will probably cry my whole life worrying that he didn't get enough attention.

I deserve that double chin. Look what I do. I'm not even sharing a family size bag of Doritos. WE EACH HAVE OUR OWN. I will cry as that scale goes up every day. I will cry because I worked so hard to get in shape after Ray. I will cry because I have 8 weeks to get in bikini shape after #3. Don't feel bad for me. I AM EATING DORITOS!! Just let me cry.